Letting Go

I think my biggest issue is learning to let go. I realize that when I can let go, even for just a second, I feel like this burden has been lifted and I feel so much lighter and less stressed. I do realize that I am doing it to myself, but sometimes it is so hard for me to just let things to take their course. I don't consider myself a control freak or anything, but I always feel better when I know what's going on, or if I have a plan. Accepting that life doesn't always have a plan and I am never always going to know what is going on is not easy for me.

It seems like when I do let go for a second, it won't take long for me to regress right back to where I was before.

"Let Go" will be my newest mantra. Going to try to keep it in a place where I can always see it so I am always reminded.

Adapting Your Parents Habits

In my senior year of highschool, I realized that I really didn't know my Dad. Yes he was my Dad, but because of conflicting schedules I never really talked to him and actually rarely even saw him despite living in the same house.  I felt that knowing the people that pretty much made you should be a little higher on my priorities list, so I decided to make a real effort to spend more time with him and I did. In doing so I found out that we have a lot of the same qualities and with that, a lot of the same dilemas.

We would both talk about our hard times finding true friends, our feelings about the world, life etc. It wasn't until this year that I realized that most of conversations were from a standpoint of negativity and most of the time when we were done talking, I felt like crap. When I started to oust my patterns of negative thinking, I found that talking to him got harder and harder. After each conversation I felt like I had regressed a bit.

I brought it up a few times, trying to be positive and hoping that maybe he could use some of the techniques I was using to help himself as well, but he didn't take. I find myself now, distancing myself from him, not because I don't love him or don't want to talk to him, but the negative energy totally rubs off on me.

Yes we can love our parents, but this doesn't mean we have to adopt their bad habits. Easier said than done.

People that are Happy

I have yet to meet an adult that seems really truly happy. Most of the adult figures in my life (and by adult here I mean people over 40 lets say) are people that seemed burned out, depressed and are not living the lives they want. They say that "this is just the way life is" or things like "it's the economy that is making everything suck and there's nothing I can do about it." 

At my current job, my boss has made a point that he wants to "mentor" me and wow that is awesome! He is really successful at what he does and someone offering to be your mentor is not something easily found. The more and more I get to know him though, I've found he is miserable. He never sees his kids, is in an unhappy marriage and so on because he is always working and never home. He seems to make excuses like, "I love my job" or "this is what I was taught to do, be able to provide well for my family". Both of these things would be great, but it's obviously not bringing him any real happiness. 

I've talked to him a lot about it and tried to look at it from different angles. One of the major and obvious things is that he puts his work before his family constantly. At first I thought maybe it was possible that people have different priorities but still lead a happy life. Again as I got to know him I don't feel like this is the case. Having strong connections with other humans is really at the base of what makes people happy. I know I've read plenty of books that say that it is proven that people that are more sociable are overall happier. And I don't believe that being social means that you have to have 100 friends, I know I certainly don't. 

Coming back to where I began, I want to make a point to find someone that is 40+ that is really truly happy in their lives. I have been asking my teachers if they fell their lives, so far, were satisfying and I am realized that people will lie to me and tell me that they are happy because they don't want to share personal information or they don't want to tell a student or someone "young" that they are unhappy. Not fun conversation. 

I do realize that I don't get out much, and this is something that I'm going to try to force myself to do. I don't really know where to start with it, but I want to find at least one person, who at lease seems to be living a balanced, happy life and learn from them. 

Rejected? Not really but it feels like it...

I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years now. I have never been into weddings or overly romantic things, but early this year I started thinking I felt ready to take it to the next level, getting engaged. I stayed quiet for a long long time, giving hints here and there. Unfortunately my boyfriend is the most amazing person I know, but he kinda sucks at picking up hints. Then I thought, I'm not gonna be one of those girls that expects my boyfriend to read my mind, so decided I was just going to basically tell him what I was thinking and I did. The conversation went well and I felt like he was on the same page.

A long time passed and kept thinking it was going to be this day, or that day. Getting myself all excited and then when I didn't happen, over and over I felt so incredibly rejected. I started to think that something was wrong with me or our relationship and started to doubt. I am horrible at hiding my feelings so he could see right through that something was bothering me. I've always tried to be as straight forward as possible with him, so I told him.

After telling him I felt absolutely horrible. I felt like I had turned into the girl that begs her boyfriend to propose to her and then he finally does it just to get her to shut up. Even feeling terrible, I really didn't want to ever bring it up again so I didn't. Meanwhile little things kept reminding me about it, not to mention my mom and friends somehow bringing up that their significant others "couldn't wait" or were "so excited" to propose to them...

So today we went to the mall and saw rings and was completely unresponsive to it I felt so hurt. I know that it is incredible stupid, so I tried to breathe and get over it, but failed miserably. And ended up having the horrible conversation about it again.

I know that he loves me. That should be enough.

Is this just movies and media that has been ingrained into my head telling me that if he really does love me he should be jumping up and down with a ring for me??? Most likely...I know it I guess, but I still am having such a hard time getting over it....and I feel so incredibly stupid because of it.

This has been one of the only things that my meditations seem to have no effect on. Will have to try a different approach to work through it, but I'm not sure what yet... = (

To be continued when I find some sort of conclusion....

9/11

This year I felt a lot different about the 9/11 anniversary. It's not that I didn't care before, but for some reason this year I felt a lot more connected to what happened. I had tons of emotions running through me. At first is was sadness of course watching the memorial on TV, but then I started to feel anger. I thought, "How dare I sulk around with the minuscule problems that I have after seeing what these people have gone through."

I realize though, that it is okay to have problems and feel down sometimes, that's just part of living. But I do need to try to cherish everyday (which I feel I have been doing lately). Not necessarily in the mindset of "living each day as your last" because I feel that's a little extreme, but just noticing the beauty and positivity in the world EVERYDAY even if I'm not feeling great. Making that effort.

Counseling

So my dad had a major mental breakdown yesterday, which was actually pretty scary. My Dad is the nicest guy and best Dad I could ever hope to have, but lately he has been extremely stressed. Of course I wanted to help him, but I didn't really know how. After everything was out and things seemed better I got to wondering how we all come to these breaking points (I don't know anyone that hasn't thus far).

It seems that a lot of my Dad's stress (and a lot of mine too) has come from the "rat race". Doing your best in society but never really seeming to get ahead. He doesn't have his youth anymore and is having a really hard time dealing with that. It made me wonder what decisions I could make now that could change my life for better in the long run.

Rejecting the Internship?!

Yes, I rejected the Lionsgate internship that was offered to me. What the hell?!?! Again, all I wanted all year was a studio internship and when I finally get one I reject it.

It turns out that what I thought I wanted, for what seems like the majority of my life, is not really what I want. I've always been "career-oriented", always making it my main priority to figure out what I'm going to do for the "rest of my life." I've taken classes, read books and totally stressed myself out over trying to find a career path. Subconsciously thinking that once I find this "path" my life with fall into place and I won't feel anxious anymore. Uh...no

I've read about making a "vision board" before and always wanted to, but thought that I would feel pretty dumb doing one and of course I wouldn't want anyone to see it...  For those that don't know, a vision board is something like a bulletin board that you write/post your goals on. The idea is that you put it somewhere that you will always see it so that you are constantly reminded of what you want to achieve. (See mine below)

Well this past month (as part of my attempt to work through some of my issues) I decided to suck up feeling stupid and just do it. I left it blank up there for at least 2 weeks and it drove me crazy. All of the sudden I didn't have any goals, or none that I felt were worthy.

Of course my anxiety about it caused me to look for books and articles concerning goal-setting. Again, just reading Anything You Want by Derek Sivers, I looked him up on Youtube and he has a great 8 part video called Uncommon Sense. Basically he asks you to choose what you want in life from a list like this:

Money
Fame
Freedom
Prestige
Leave a Legacy

At first I thought these were really vague, but it actually makes sense. Freedom (what I chose) is vague, but the more I thought about it, it actually envelopes everything that I really want in my life.

Before I had always set goals like "get a studio internship" but after I officially put FREEDOM on my board, I realized that an internship like this one did not align with it at all. Having to work over an hour and a half away three days a week on top of school would give me pretty much no freedom at all. I don't just mean freedom to sleep-in or something, but freedom to spend time with my family and boyfriend (what really makes me the happiest and when I feel the most free).

Example of my vision board. Yes it's pretty scarce but what's on it means something to me. I have Freedom, Growth (to remind myself to stick with a growth perspective) and my 30 Day Goal (meditation once a day at least)  in the corner.

I have also started setting and accomplishing many small goals which has been extremely satisfying. Some of these things I've wanted to do my entire life. I saw that if I took this internship, I wouldn't be able to continue doing those things.

It has not been easy letting go of what I thought I wanted. Every now and then I'll think, "What if I just gave up an amazing opportunity??" but when I see the word FREEDOM on my board I am able bring myself back.

The feeling of really seeing that I can choose AND create the opportunities that do align with my goals is very FREE-ing. = P

Please check out the entire Uncommon Sense for yourself, this is part 2/8 which was mentioned in this post:

Whatever Scares You Go Do It!

This quote struck me because every time I try to do something new I usually find a way to talk myself out of doing it. I know that I'm just scared. For example I had been wanting to go to a yoga class but never went. Finally a co-worker of mine asked if I wanted to go to the same class with her. I went and it was no big deal. I was thinking why the heck was I so scared to do this by myself?! Even if people judge me why do I care? But I do care. 

I have a lot of things on my list, the ones I've been completing happen to be ones that I do on my own (my 30 day challenge as of now is meditation) more or less. I've been wanted to try a spinning class at the gym but of course, even now just thinking about it, I start to feel nervous. Maybe I'll make it a goal for the week month to just do one. 

The picture above is a part of my wall. I was just thinking I am going to put a list next to it of all the things that scare me and maybe try to do at least one of them a month. One a month doesn't seem like a lot but I am finding that if I am more lenient with my "due dates". 

Friends

I've always had a hard time making friends, but recently I've become friends with one of my co-worker.s She's about the same age as me but very outgoing and always carrying on a conversation (something I have a really hard time doing). Maybe because we are opposites we get along so well. I've been getting to know her more and more and am amazed at how positive she is.

A few days ago we went to a diner/bar and all of the sudden she burst into tears and talked about how stressed she's been and how anxious she's been feeling. She had an incredibly hard week. I did everything I could to make her feel better. The next day she was still stressed but seemed better.

I admired her because I saw that, whether she realized this or not, she was making a decision to be positive even though  she had a horrible week. What struck me is that after she had, what she called a breakdown", we go outside and she says, "It's a beautiful day!" with a smile on her face. No she wasn't totally happy, but she was making that effort to see the positive even though things were pretty screwed up.

Everything Happens All at the Same Time!

Work has been incredibly slow this summer. For a little background, I've been working as an audio/video tech for special events for the past year or so (something I'd never thought that I would ever be doing). It's challenging and it pays really well (considering I'm a still a student).

Even though it was relatively nice to actually "have a summer" I spent most of my time worrying about, "What am I going to do if I'm not working?!?!?!"

Now school starts and I take an internship. Literally a couple minutes after I sent the email accepting the internship, my phone starts ringing with gigs that I can't take (because they are on the same days as school/internship). I start feeling doubt/anxiety about taking the unpaid internship and doing that over very nicely paid work gigs. Then the anxiety turns into feeling overwhelmed which turn into feeling like I should just give up, and nothings even happening yet!

I over-thought it, like I almost always do (and am trying to stop doing). Instead of just being anxious about it and not really getting anywhere, I decided to try to analyze it. I realized that once I took money out of the equation (money is another thing that I over-stress about constantly) it was a no-brainer to take the internship. Once I put money back in, I start feeling anxious all over again. Money anxiety is another tangent, but I feel that by analyzing where the feelings were coming from, I was able to better deal with them and get over it (get rid of anxiety) much faster.

It does seem like everything happens at the same time. Yes, it would be easier if there was only one path you could take and you had no other choices.  But making choices is part of what makes life exciting. I think I just need to keep seeing it as exciting rather than scary.

Call from Lionsgate

I have been obsessing over getting a studio internship over the entire summer. I got called by a few places that seemed like they really liked me but when they never called me back I was pretty devastated. The thoughts running through my were, "I'm not good enough" "I'll never amount to much".

After all the reading I've been doing, I really let go of it, reassuring myself that I'm going to be okay no matter what happens. I have the motivation and ability to do whatever I want. And then I get the email from Lionsgate wanting to schedule an interview.

I felt so-so about this. I just got over it, I am going to be okay without that glorious internship and now they call me.

I decided to schedule the interview. I mean what the heck, this is what I (thought I) wanted. It would be stupid not to at least try. So today I had the interview and I got the position with what seemed like ease.

I am going to take this as the "universes'" way of pushing me in a direction and see where it goes. I'm excited and am going to try to continue to let go.

Teachers

I never really considered myself to "look up" to teachers necessarily. But I do know they have an affect on my thinking.

In my first class last night, the teacher kept saying things to the effect of, you can choose your profession but you can't choose the work that's give to you. That's the just the way it is. That is the real world and I'm training you for the real world. Etc. Etc. 

Usually I would think, "Nice! After this I'll be more prepared for the "real world". But after all the reading I've done the past couple of weeks, I felt like this is why people get stuck doing things they don't want to do. They settle for it because tons of people (not just teachers of course) tell them that this is "just how it is" or this is the "real world". 

It was the first time that I thought that teacher might be hindering their students abilities by saying things like this. 

Fixed or Growth?

So I just finished reading this book a few days ago

Mindset By Carol Dweck 

"Be in the right mindset" is something I've we've all heard a million times, but for some reason this book really clicked with me. 

It theory is that people can either be in a fixed or growth mindset. The fixed mindset is thinking that things are the way they are and to a certain degree, you can't really do anything to improve things. Now at first I was thinking, "This is stupid everyone knows that they can change the outcome of their lives if they work hard enough!" But I realized that I was thinking of it in the context of working hard at a job and being lazy instead of thinking maybe I can be great at math someday. Fixed is for example - "I am just not good at math." Which is actually something that I have thought time and time again throughout grade school high school and even now in college. I would sometimes think that I am just "not a numbers person" and I should try to work on my strengths than try to work on something that I just am not good at to begin with. 

Now growth mindset thinks of things as, "you can do anything." A person that wants to learn piano can be just as good as someone who's been a "prodigy" since they were 2. It just takes hard work and motivation. Being in the growth mindset open you up to all the possibilities of life. I could be good at math if I really worked at it. It's not a trait that is ingrained into me, it doesn't "run in the family". 

Another example that clicked is that fixed just expects success to be effortless while growth sees it as a learning process. I can see this because people have told me before, "Wow you are just naturally good at art. It's in your blood" or something to that nature. Maybe subconsciously I would start to think, "yea I am naturally good at art. I'm a right-brain kind of person".  When really I had been practicing for years. Maybe if I had been practicing doing math problems for year and hadn't already decided that I was just "bad at math", people would be telling me I'm just naturally good at that. = p 

"Never compare your insides to someone else's outsides." 

This quote also resonated with me because I often do this without even realizing it. You know every little mistake you make when you are doing say a project and often you only see the end point of others work. When I see a work of art that I think is amazing, I never really think, "She must have made a lot of mistakes to get there." I'm usually just thinking about how great she is and that I'll never get that good. 

Lastly, "The idea of trying and still failing is the worst fear of the fixed mindset." Showing people your effort can cast a shadow on your otherwise known "genius" ability and talent. 

Sometimes I have found myself thinking that this is a horrible thing. If I tried and failed I would look like an idiot so why try at all. Since I read this, I have been trying to let go of my fixed tendencies and grow the growth! 

Overall review of the book: 

This book was great!....but really repetitive. I recommend checking out your local library to see if they have it and reading the first couple of chapters and then skimming or reading what you like of the rest. Definitely worth getting!  7/10

Things Arn't Always What They Seem

I will start by saying:

I wanted to start this blog because I have issues just like everyone has issues. I have begun a "journey" to work through some of these issues and thought that maybe some of the things that work for me can work for others.

I am going to share anything and everything that I feel has helped me.

I also plan to use this blog as a sort of casual journal and therapy as I work through some of these issues.

Anxiety/Worry About Work and Money 

This is really just an intro to this topic. This is pretty broad and is something that has been ongoing in my life and I know will take a lot of work to get through it.

I have been feeling really anxious about not having a steady income job for a while now. Being a student, living at home with my parents still, I don't have say, a worry that I will be on the street if I can't pay a bills. Despite this, I have found myself, for the past couple of months, no past couple of years, obsessing and stressing about what job I'm going to have in the future and how I'm going to get there.

I would think that, "If only NBC would call me back for an interview" I can show them how hard of a worker I am and things in my life will finally be stable." When I got past the first round but never got a callback for the second I felt incredible disappointed and felt like I would never amount to anything.  This is just one example of the back and fourth that goes on pretty much in my daily life.

This book is by Derek Sivers called "Anything You Want". Now this book is not solely responsible for my changed state of mind but I definitely  recommend it to everyone. The picture link goes to his website that has linked me directly and indirectly to a wealth of great information.

After reading this, and a few other books I realized that I was looking in the wrong place. I have already been doing a lot of research and personal self help, but I plan to post each topic and see where things go.

If you care to know more about me, I am working on my profile right now! = D