Rejected? Not really but it feels like it...

I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years now. I have never been into weddings or overly romantic things, but early this year I started thinking I felt ready to take it to the next level, getting engaged. I stayed quiet for a long long time, giving hints here and there. Unfortunately my boyfriend is the most amazing person I know, but he kinda sucks at picking up hints. Then I thought, I'm not gonna be one of those girls that expects my boyfriend to read my mind, so decided I was just going to basically tell him what I was thinking and I did. The conversation went well and I felt like he was on the same page.

A long time passed and kept thinking it was going to be this day, or that day. Getting myself all excited and then when I didn't happen, over and over I felt so incredibly rejected. I started to think that something was wrong with me or our relationship and started to doubt. I am horrible at hiding my feelings so he could see right through that something was bothering me. I've always tried to be as straight forward as possible with him, so I told him.

After telling him I felt absolutely horrible. I felt like I had turned into the girl that begs her boyfriend to propose to her and then he finally does it just to get her to shut up. Even feeling terrible, I really didn't want to ever bring it up again so I didn't. Meanwhile little things kept reminding me about it, not to mention my mom and friends somehow bringing up that their significant others "couldn't wait" or were "so excited" to propose to them...

So today we went to the mall and saw rings and was completely unresponsive to it I felt so hurt. I know that it is incredible stupid, so I tried to breathe and get over it, but failed miserably. And ended up having the horrible conversation about it again.

I know that he loves me. That should be enough.

Is this just movies and media that has been ingrained into my head telling me that if he really does love me he should be jumping up and down with a ring for me??? Most likely...I know it I guess, but I still am having such a hard time getting over it....and I feel so incredibly stupid because of it.

This has been one of the only things that my meditations seem to have no effect on. Will have to try a different approach to work through it, but I'm not sure what yet... = (

To be continued when I find some sort of conclusion....

9/11

This year I felt a lot different about the 9/11 anniversary. It's not that I didn't care before, but for some reason this year I felt a lot more connected to what happened. I had tons of emotions running through me. At first is was sadness of course watching the memorial on TV, but then I started to feel anger. I thought, "How dare I sulk around with the minuscule problems that I have after seeing what these people have gone through."

I realize though, that it is okay to have problems and feel down sometimes, that's just part of living. But I do need to try to cherish everyday (which I feel I have been doing lately). Not necessarily in the mindset of "living each day as your last" because I feel that's a little extreme, but just noticing the beauty and positivity in the world EVERYDAY even if I'm not feeling great. Making that effort.

Counseling

So my dad had a major mental breakdown yesterday, which was actually pretty scary. My Dad is the nicest guy and best Dad I could ever hope to have, but lately he has been extremely stressed. Of course I wanted to help him, but I didn't really know how. After everything was out and things seemed better I got to wondering how we all come to these breaking points (I don't know anyone that hasn't thus far).

It seems that a lot of my Dad's stress (and a lot of mine too) has come from the "rat race". Doing your best in society but never really seeming to get ahead. He doesn't have his youth anymore and is having a really hard time dealing with that. It made me wonder what decisions I could make now that could change my life for better in the long run.

Rejecting the Internship?!

Yes, I rejected the Lionsgate internship that was offered to me. What the hell?!?! Again, all I wanted all year was a studio internship and when I finally get one I reject it.

It turns out that what I thought I wanted, for what seems like the majority of my life, is not really what I want. I've always been "career-oriented", always making it my main priority to figure out what I'm going to do for the "rest of my life." I've taken classes, read books and totally stressed myself out over trying to find a career path. Subconsciously thinking that once I find this "path" my life with fall into place and I won't feel anxious anymore. Uh...no

I've read about making a "vision board" before and always wanted to, but thought that I would feel pretty dumb doing one and of course I wouldn't want anyone to see it...  For those that don't know, a vision board is something like a bulletin board that you write/post your goals on. The idea is that you put it somewhere that you will always see it so that you are constantly reminded of what you want to achieve. (See mine below)

Well this past month (as part of my attempt to work through some of my issues) I decided to suck up feeling stupid and just do it. I left it blank up there for at least 2 weeks and it drove me crazy. All of the sudden I didn't have any goals, or none that I felt were worthy.

Of course my anxiety about it caused me to look for books and articles concerning goal-setting. Again, just reading Anything You Want by Derek Sivers, I looked him up on Youtube and he has a great 8 part video called Uncommon Sense. Basically he asks you to choose what you want in life from a list like this:

Money
Fame
Freedom
Prestige
Leave a Legacy

At first I thought these were really vague, but it actually makes sense. Freedom (what I chose) is vague, but the more I thought about it, it actually envelopes everything that I really want in my life.

Before I had always set goals like "get a studio internship" but after I officially put FREEDOM on my board, I realized that an internship like this one did not align with it at all. Having to work over an hour and a half away three days a week on top of school would give me pretty much no freedom at all. I don't just mean freedom to sleep-in or something, but freedom to spend time with my family and boyfriend (what really makes me the happiest and when I feel the most free).

Example of my vision board. Yes it's pretty scarce but what's on it means something to me. I have Freedom, Growth (to remind myself to stick with a growth perspective) and my 30 Day Goal (meditation once a day at least)  in the corner.

I have also started setting and accomplishing many small goals which has been extremely satisfying. Some of these things I've wanted to do my entire life. I saw that if I took this internship, I wouldn't be able to continue doing those things.

It has not been easy letting go of what I thought I wanted. Every now and then I'll think, "What if I just gave up an amazing opportunity??" but when I see the word FREEDOM on my board I am able bring myself back.

The feeling of really seeing that I can choose AND create the opportunities that do align with my goals is very FREE-ing. = P

Please check out the entire Uncommon Sense for yourself, this is part 2/8 which was mentioned in this post:

Whatever Scares You Go Do It!

This quote struck me because every time I try to do something new I usually find a way to talk myself out of doing it. I know that I'm just scared. For example I had been wanting to go to a yoga class but never went. Finally a co-worker of mine asked if I wanted to go to the same class with her. I went and it was no big deal. I was thinking why the heck was I so scared to do this by myself?! Even if people judge me why do I care? But I do care. 

I have a lot of things on my list, the ones I've been completing happen to be ones that I do on my own (my 30 day challenge as of now is meditation) more or less. I've been wanted to try a spinning class at the gym but of course, even now just thinking about it, I start to feel nervous. Maybe I'll make it a goal for the week month to just do one. 

The picture above is a part of my wall. I was just thinking I am going to put a list next to it of all the things that scare me and maybe try to do at least one of them a month. One a month doesn't seem like a lot but I am finding that if I am more lenient with my "due dates". 

Friends

I've always had a hard time making friends, but recently I've become friends with one of my co-worker.s She's about the same age as me but very outgoing and always carrying on a conversation (something I have a really hard time doing). Maybe because we are opposites we get along so well. I've been getting to know her more and more and am amazed at how positive she is.

A few days ago we went to a diner/bar and all of the sudden she burst into tears and talked about how stressed she's been and how anxious she's been feeling. She had an incredibly hard week. I did everything I could to make her feel better. The next day she was still stressed but seemed better.

I admired her because I saw that, whether she realized this or not, she was making a decision to be positive even though  she had a horrible week. What struck me is that after she had, what she called a breakdown", we go outside and she says, "It's a beautiful day!" with a smile on her face. No she wasn't totally happy, but she was making that effort to see the positive even though things were pretty screwed up.

Everything Happens All at the Same Time!

Work has been incredibly slow this summer. For a little background, I've been working as an audio/video tech for special events for the past year or so (something I'd never thought that I would ever be doing). It's challenging and it pays really well (considering I'm a still a student).

Even though it was relatively nice to actually "have a summer" I spent most of my time worrying about, "What am I going to do if I'm not working?!?!?!"

Now school starts and I take an internship. Literally a couple minutes after I sent the email accepting the internship, my phone starts ringing with gigs that I can't take (because they are on the same days as school/internship). I start feeling doubt/anxiety about taking the unpaid internship and doing that over very nicely paid work gigs. Then the anxiety turns into feeling overwhelmed which turn into feeling like I should just give up, and nothings even happening yet!

I over-thought it, like I almost always do (and am trying to stop doing). Instead of just being anxious about it and not really getting anywhere, I decided to try to analyze it. I realized that once I took money out of the equation (money is another thing that I over-stress about constantly) it was a no-brainer to take the internship. Once I put money back in, I start feeling anxious all over again. Money anxiety is another tangent, but I feel that by analyzing where the feelings were coming from, I was able to better deal with them and get over it (get rid of anxiety) much faster.

It does seem like everything happens at the same time. Yes, it would be easier if there was only one path you could take and you had no other choices.  But making choices is part of what makes life exciting. I think I just need to keep seeing it as exciting rather than scary.