Letting Go

I think my biggest issue is learning to let go. I realize that when I can let go, even for just a second, I feel like this burden has been lifted and I feel so much lighter and less stressed. I do realize that I am doing it to myself, but sometimes it is so hard for me to just let things to take their course. I don't consider myself a control freak or anything, but I always feel better when I know what's going on, or if I have a plan. Accepting that life doesn't always have a plan and I am never always going to know what is going on is not easy for me.

It seems like when I do let go for a second, it won't take long for me to regress right back to where I was before.

"Let Go" will be my newest mantra. Going to try to keep it in a place where I can always see it so I am always reminded.

Adapting Your Parents Habits

In my senior year of highschool, I realized that I really didn't know my Dad. Yes he was my Dad, but because of conflicting schedules I never really talked to him and actually rarely even saw him despite living in the same house.  I felt that knowing the people that pretty much made you should be a little higher on my priorities list, so I decided to make a real effort to spend more time with him and I did. In doing so I found out that we have a lot of the same qualities and with that, a lot of the same dilemas.

We would both talk about our hard times finding true friends, our feelings about the world, life etc. It wasn't until this year that I realized that most of conversations were from a standpoint of negativity and most of the time when we were done talking, I felt like crap. When I started to oust my patterns of negative thinking, I found that talking to him got harder and harder. After each conversation I felt like I had regressed a bit.

I brought it up a few times, trying to be positive and hoping that maybe he could use some of the techniques I was using to help himself as well, but he didn't take. I find myself now, distancing myself from him, not because I don't love him or don't want to talk to him, but the negative energy totally rubs off on me.

Yes we can love our parents, but this doesn't mean we have to adopt their bad habits. Easier said than done.

People that are Happy

I have yet to meet an adult that seems really truly happy. Most of the adult figures in my life (and by adult here I mean people over 40 lets say) are people that seemed burned out, depressed and are not living the lives they want. They say that "this is just the way life is" or things like "it's the economy that is making everything suck and there's nothing I can do about it." 

At my current job, my boss has made a point that he wants to "mentor" me and wow that is awesome! He is really successful at what he does and someone offering to be your mentor is not something easily found. The more and more I get to know him though, I've found he is miserable. He never sees his kids, is in an unhappy marriage and so on because he is always working and never home. He seems to make excuses like, "I love my job" or "this is what I was taught to do, be able to provide well for my family". Both of these things would be great, but it's obviously not bringing him any real happiness. 

I've talked to him a lot about it and tried to look at it from different angles. One of the major and obvious things is that he puts his work before his family constantly. At first I thought maybe it was possible that people have different priorities but still lead a happy life. Again as I got to know him I don't feel like this is the case. Having strong connections with other humans is really at the base of what makes people happy. I know I've read plenty of books that say that it is proven that people that are more sociable are overall happier. And I don't believe that being social means that you have to have 100 friends, I know I certainly don't. 

Coming back to where I began, I want to make a point to find someone that is 40+ that is really truly happy in their lives. I have been asking my teachers if they fell their lives, so far, were satisfying and I am realized that people will lie to me and tell me that they are happy because they don't want to share personal information or they don't want to tell a student or someone "young" that they are unhappy. Not fun conversation. 

I do realize that I don't get out much, and this is something that I'm going to try to force myself to do. I don't really know where to start with it, but I want to find at least one person, who at lease seems to be living a balanced, happy life and learn from them. 

Rejected? Not really but it feels like it...

I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years now. I have never been into weddings or overly romantic things, but early this year I started thinking I felt ready to take it to the next level, getting engaged. I stayed quiet for a long long time, giving hints here and there. Unfortunately my boyfriend is the most amazing person I know, but he kinda sucks at picking up hints. Then I thought, I'm not gonna be one of those girls that expects my boyfriend to read my mind, so decided I was just going to basically tell him what I was thinking and I did. The conversation went well and I felt like he was on the same page.

A long time passed and kept thinking it was going to be this day, or that day. Getting myself all excited and then when I didn't happen, over and over I felt so incredibly rejected. I started to think that something was wrong with me or our relationship and started to doubt. I am horrible at hiding my feelings so he could see right through that something was bothering me. I've always tried to be as straight forward as possible with him, so I told him.

After telling him I felt absolutely horrible. I felt like I had turned into the girl that begs her boyfriend to propose to her and then he finally does it just to get her to shut up. Even feeling terrible, I really didn't want to ever bring it up again so I didn't. Meanwhile little things kept reminding me about it, not to mention my mom and friends somehow bringing up that their significant others "couldn't wait" or were "so excited" to propose to them...

So today we went to the mall and saw rings and was completely unresponsive to it I felt so hurt. I know that it is incredible stupid, so I tried to breathe and get over it, but failed miserably. And ended up having the horrible conversation about it again.

I know that he loves me. That should be enough.

Is this just movies and media that has been ingrained into my head telling me that if he really does love me he should be jumping up and down with a ring for me??? Most likely...I know it I guess, but I still am having such a hard time getting over it....and I feel so incredibly stupid because of it.

This has been one of the only things that my meditations seem to have no effect on. Will have to try a different approach to work through it, but I'm not sure what yet... = (

To be continued when I find some sort of conclusion....

9/11

This year I felt a lot different about the 9/11 anniversary. It's not that I didn't care before, but for some reason this year I felt a lot more connected to what happened. I had tons of emotions running through me. At first is was sadness of course watching the memorial on TV, but then I started to feel anger. I thought, "How dare I sulk around with the minuscule problems that I have after seeing what these people have gone through."

I realize though, that it is okay to have problems and feel down sometimes, that's just part of living. But I do need to try to cherish everyday (which I feel I have been doing lately). Not necessarily in the mindset of "living each day as your last" because I feel that's a little extreme, but just noticing the beauty and positivity in the world EVERYDAY even if I'm not feeling great. Making that effort.

Counseling

So my dad had a major mental breakdown yesterday, which was actually pretty scary. My Dad is the nicest guy and best Dad I could ever hope to have, but lately he has been extremely stressed. Of course I wanted to help him, but I didn't really know how. After everything was out and things seemed better I got to wondering how we all come to these breaking points (I don't know anyone that hasn't thus far).

It seems that a lot of my Dad's stress (and a lot of mine too) has come from the "rat race". Doing your best in society but never really seeming to get ahead. He doesn't have his youth anymore and is having a really hard time dealing with that. It made me wonder what decisions I could make now that could change my life for better in the long run.

Rejecting the Internship?!

Yes, I rejected the Lionsgate internship that was offered to me. What the hell?!?! Again, all I wanted all year was a studio internship and when I finally get one I reject it.

It turns out that what I thought I wanted, for what seems like the majority of my life, is not really what I want. I've always been "career-oriented", always making it my main priority to figure out what I'm going to do for the "rest of my life." I've taken classes, read books and totally stressed myself out over trying to find a career path. Subconsciously thinking that once I find this "path" my life with fall into place and I won't feel anxious anymore. Uh...no

I've read about making a "vision board" before and always wanted to, but thought that I would feel pretty dumb doing one and of course I wouldn't want anyone to see it...  For those that don't know, a vision board is something like a bulletin board that you write/post your goals on. The idea is that you put it somewhere that you will always see it so that you are constantly reminded of what you want to achieve. (See mine below)

Well this past month (as part of my attempt to work through some of my issues) I decided to suck up feeling stupid and just do it. I left it blank up there for at least 2 weeks and it drove me crazy. All of the sudden I didn't have any goals, or none that I felt were worthy.

Of course my anxiety about it caused me to look for books and articles concerning goal-setting. Again, just reading Anything You Want by Derek Sivers, I looked him up on Youtube and he has a great 8 part video called Uncommon Sense. Basically he asks you to choose what you want in life from a list like this:

Money
Fame
Freedom
Prestige
Leave a Legacy

At first I thought these were really vague, but it actually makes sense. Freedom (what I chose) is vague, but the more I thought about it, it actually envelopes everything that I really want in my life.

Before I had always set goals like "get a studio internship" but after I officially put FREEDOM on my board, I realized that an internship like this one did not align with it at all. Having to work over an hour and a half away three days a week on top of school would give me pretty much no freedom at all. I don't just mean freedom to sleep-in or something, but freedom to spend time with my family and boyfriend (what really makes me the happiest and when I feel the most free).

Example of my vision board. Yes it's pretty scarce but what's on it means something to me. I have Freedom, Growth (to remind myself to stick with a growth perspective) and my 30 Day Goal (meditation once a day at least)  in the corner.

I have also started setting and accomplishing many small goals which has been extremely satisfying. Some of these things I've wanted to do my entire life. I saw that if I took this internship, I wouldn't be able to continue doing those things.

It has not been easy letting go of what I thought I wanted. Every now and then I'll think, "What if I just gave up an amazing opportunity??" but when I see the word FREEDOM on my board I am able bring myself back.

The feeling of really seeing that I can choose AND create the opportunities that do align with my goals is very FREE-ing. = P

Please check out the entire Uncommon Sense for yourself, this is part 2/8 which was mentioned in this post: