Rejecting the Internship?!

Yes, I rejected the Lionsgate internship that was offered to me. What the hell?!?! Again, all I wanted all year was a studio internship and when I finally get one I reject it.

It turns out that what I thought I wanted, for what seems like the majority of my life, is not really what I want. I've always been "career-oriented", always making it my main priority to figure out what I'm going to do for the "rest of my life." I've taken classes, read books and totally stressed myself out over trying to find a career path. Subconsciously thinking that once I find this "path" my life with fall into place and I won't feel anxious anymore. Uh...no

I've read about making a "vision board" before and always wanted to, but thought that I would feel pretty dumb doing one and of course I wouldn't want anyone to see it...  For those that don't know, a vision board is something like a bulletin board that you write/post your goals on. The idea is that you put it somewhere that you will always see it so that you are constantly reminded of what you want to achieve. (See mine below)

Well this past month (as part of my attempt to work through some of my issues) I decided to suck up feeling stupid and just do it. I left it blank up there for at least 2 weeks and it drove me crazy. All of the sudden I didn't have any goals, or none that I felt were worthy.

Of course my anxiety about it caused me to look for books and articles concerning goal-setting. Again, just reading Anything You Want by Derek Sivers, I looked him up on Youtube and he has a great 8 part video called Uncommon Sense. Basically he asks you to choose what you want in life from a list like this:

Money
Fame
Freedom
Prestige
Leave a Legacy

At first I thought these were really vague, but it actually makes sense. Freedom (what I chose) is vague, but the more I thought about it, it actually envelopes everything that I really want in my life.

Before I had always set goals like "get a studio internship" but after I officially put FREEDOM on my board, I realized that an internship like this one did not align with it at all. Having to work over an hour and a half away three days a week on top of school would give me pretty much no freedom at all. I don't just mean freedom to sleep-in or something, but freedom to spend time with my family and boyfriend (what really makes me the happiest and when I feel the most free).

Example of my vision board. Yes it's pretty scarce but what's on it means something to me. I have Freedom, Growth (to remind myself to stick with a growth perspective) and my 30 Day Goal (meditation once a day at least)  in the corner.

I have also started setting and accomplishing many small goals which has been extremely satisfying. Some of these things I've wanted to do my entire life. I saw that if I took this internship, I wouldn't be able to continue doing those things.

It has not been easy letting go of what I thought I wanted. Every now and then I'll think, "What if I just gave up an amazing opportunity??" but when I see the word FREEDOM on my board I am able bring myself back.

The feeling of really seeing that I can choose AND create the opportunities that do align with my goals is very FREE-ing. = P

Please check out the entire Uncommon Sense for yourself, this is part 2/8 which was mentioned in this post: