Rejected? Not really but it feels like it...

I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years now. I have never been into weddings or overly romantic things, but early this year I started thinking I felt ready to take it to the next level, getting engaged. I stayed quiet for a long long time, giving hints here and there. Unfortunately my boyfriend is the most amazing person I know, but he kinda sucks at picking up hints. Then I thought, I'm not gonna be one of those girls that expects my boyfriend to read my mind, so decided I was just going to basically tell him what I was thinking and I did. The conversation went well and I felt like he was on the same page.

A long time passed and kept thinking it was going to be this day, or that day. Getting myself all excited and then when I didn't happen, over and over I felt so incredibly rejected. I started to think that something was wrong with me or our relationship and started to doubt. I am horrible at hiding my feelings so he could see right through that something was bothering me. I've always tried to be as straight forward as possible with him, so I told him.

After telling him I felt absolutely horrible. I felt like I had turned into the girl that begs her boyfriend to propose to her and then he finally does it just to get her to shut up. Even feeling terrible, I really didn't want to ever bring it up again so I didn't. Meanwhile little things kept reminding me about it, not to mention my mom and friends somehow bringing up that their significant others "couldn't wait" or were "so excited" to propose to them...

So today we went to the mall and saw rings and was completely unresponsive to it I felt so hurt. I know that it is incredible stupid, so I tried to breathe and get over it, but failed miserably. And ended up having the horrible conversation about it again.

I know that he loves me. That should be enough.

Is this just movies and media that has been ingrained into my head telling me that if he really does love me he should be jumping up and down with a ring for me??? Most likely...I know it I guess, but I still am having such a hard time getting over it....and I feel so incredibly stupid because of it.

This has been one of the only things that my meditations seem to have no effect on. Will have to try a different approach to work through it, but I'm not sure what yet... = (

To be continued when I find some sort of conclusion....